Sophie Jane @ghost_bird@mythago.space

It’s true for some people, but I didn’t “always know” I was trans. With hindsight, though, there’s stuff I missed, or ignored, or explained away over the years that I can interpret as trans feelings now, and I think it might be helpful to write about that. There’ll be a little biography involved but I’ll try to keep it to a minimum.

Trying on a new top I got for Christmas.

The ontological argument, but for communism.

Good morning. Today’s card is the Seven of Wands. Don’t let others bring you down or make you doubt yourself. Fight for what you’ve achieved.

Oh, yeah - and I spent 30 years using a glyph and my initials as a signature wherever I could. Because it felt more comfortable than my name.

In the end, it was the queer/trans Twine game scene that got me thinking. So much of the writing seemed to speak to me and I didn’t quite understand why. I started following some creators on Twitter and when they sometimes talked about “egg feelings” I found things I recognised. Someone said “you can just be a girl if you want; it’s OK” and I thought “if only it was that simple...” But it was that simple in the end. Simple’s not the same as easy, though :-)

Preferring women avatars and characters in video games (but that was just because I didn’t like being around guys, obviously), and shapeshifting characters in TTRPGs. (I played women characters for a while, but a girl in my group made a big deal about the difficulties of “cross-sex” roleplaying, so I stopped.)

Reading the SCUM Manifesto and relating to the stuff about how masculinity prevents men from ever being really happy.

Wanting to be around women but also feeling acutely that I wasn’t a woman and could never be entirely welcome. (And similar feelings about feminism.)

Hating to be accused of doing something typically masculine, and feeling curiously happy on the rare occasions someone called me “miss” or “ma’am” before correcting themself.

Other minor things:

A phase of trying to dress vaguely goth/rock - one earring, black nail polish, an unsuccessful experiment with black lipstick, bangles - but without any particular interest in the music or the scene. And occasional very small femme touches - a flower or butterfly brooch on my jacket - as “eccentricities”.

A feeling of mild panic in my mid-twenties when my body hair began to get worse.

I wondered if I might be gay for a while - or rather, I considered trying on “gay” as an identity. It didn’t make sense on a literal level because I didn’t much sexual interest in men, but I think it was a way to approach queerness without knowing the term. And I liked lesbian coming-out stories and lesbian romance but worried I was being appropriative.